Fighting the past or living in the now.

I watched a British doco about the multi millionaire divorce cases in the UK. How the new laws implemented in 2000 means that the wealth accumulated within the marriage is 50/50. It was annoying and sad particularly of one woman’s endurance to fight for what she believed she was entitled to for ten years. Even after her ex-husband was supposedly killed by the Russians, she was still determined to find these millions.

What I was conscious of was that this woman spent ten years fighting the past. I truly understood where she was at and surprisingly too much rang true. Off shore accounts, him declaring no funds, the betrayal to her and her children. Not being able to refer to him by his christian name as it personalised him too much. The huge legal fees & interest that crippled her…

I had respect for the other woman who settled for a pittance of what she was entitled to, purely so she would not be giving it all to the lawyers and move on with her life. Although she was personally rich so she continued with her lifestyle which would have made the decision easier.

I could understand both women’s positions and I believe it’s necessary to remain looking at it objectively without emotion.To think of it as a business deal to tidy up. (Which is well and good to say but then my mind says to myself, but where are your diaries from before him, your photos before him, my books, my things that I never got to pack from my home! See it still pisses me off that he feels entitled to keep my things, just cause he’s a controlling arse.)

The way I have managed this period has not been an obvious path that was laid out and no-one ever explained the way it could go, shit it’s been like a twisted thriller that shocked me at every turn. No one could have known what to expect. Thank god my parents and my new man have given me daily advice through every curve ball.

I have realised recently how much it runs through my mind and I’m trying to figure out where to file it so it’s not at the forefront of my mind. It doesn’t make sense keeping it running through my mind. I see how quickly the children are growing and each day with fresh moments & memories happening around me. I don’t want to look up and think “Oh I wasn’t focused on the the now, I missed that part’.

I will keep on challenging myself to be the best version I can be of me. I’ll make sure I don’t allow this aspect of my life define me, or monopolise my new life I have created.I’ll make sure I stretch my comfort zones to create more opportunities and keep smiling. Live for now and look forward to the wonderful things that are still to come.

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